My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back