How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy