me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group