Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.