HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy