I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.