if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
brian had himself a morning…