hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly