I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something