Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
seems fine
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing