“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Brother?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it