[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler