[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
me opening up to someone
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
And they lived apathetically ever after.