As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Best seat on the street 😍
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
sigh
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.