Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Brother?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.