Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Who does Amazon think I am?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Spotted in New Orleans.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.