When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I am patiently waiting for your email
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes