[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
wishing you and yours all the best
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.