*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
she has a point