When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right