GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please