ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
ibopfufen
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.