I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians