{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I love art.