My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You Might Also Like
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.