I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
You Might Also Like
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
no one likes gloating
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
how to exercise your calf muscles