Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]