If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot