The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.