I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
tell em, edith-anne
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.