Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
That’s it.I’m out.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.