You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.