dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
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“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
are there any atheist mantises?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.