Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Not now. I’m deglazing.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
“TGIM!” – My liver
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.