If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
sensitive skin
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle