*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink