I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself