Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”