I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor