my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
it was a valiant fight
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds