if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Challenge accepted.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I hate when that happens.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
They also CAN sing✌️
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004