So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets