Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
This hospital has everything
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao