You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*