Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Great game to play with friends
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.