[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.