[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.