Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
You Might Also Like
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Simple enough.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
This fish is cracking me up
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.