Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something