Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.